I remember in Elementary school, 12:20 was when the “upper-graders” got out for lunch. Odd that I can remember something like that, but I can barely recall what has happened in this past break. So I will just try and remember today.
Right now, my mind feels awake, but my body is fatigued. I am honestly raking my mind trying to figure out exactly why I feel so tired. I took a nap and practically did nothing today, besides getting up early for my grandfather’s death-anniversary mass. Speaking of which, it was much more emotionally taxing than expected. For reasons I feel are too heavy to go into right now. It could just be my personal reservation when it comes to such aspects of my life. Who knows.
In the car, I was able to sincerely laugh with my family for once. It’s been a while since we have all been happy at the same time, and been able to reflect that energy off of each other. It was nice. This break, I feel as if my family is a completely different group of people. The usual optimism is present as always, but I find myself searching for a certain vitality that was always there before. Maybe we’re just tired from this past year. It was hectic for all of us, in different ways.
I’m at an odd place with my outlook on life. Part of me feels very optimistic, still in the afterglow of my interactions with Ant, and full of adrenaline from my rather crushing confession before the start of break, which, I know, doesn’t completely make sense when I write it out. But I feel this thirst to prove myself. To him and everyone else. Beyond that, I still feel apprehensive in regards to my relationship with my “second family” and people in general, but a large part of me knows I’m just being naive at the end of the day.
Haven’t started 2nd quarter critique, Chemistry make-up homework, AP Lang Reading, practicing for seating auditions, and bunch of other stuff on my honey do list.
I need to start doing more physical activity. I feel stir-crazy, and out of shape.
Along with all these other feelings, at the moment, amongst my tiredness I find confusion. Oddly enough, it’s not the kind that usually goes hand and hand with fatigue. I feel a certain anxiety, as if I’m expecting something great to happen. Nothing big that I know of is happening in the near future, so I wonder what it could be. Maybe it’s the fact that my break is half over, and I have yet to do anything remotely productive. It’s my body and mind begging for me to push myself. Or it could be caffeine. Or insanity.
Mr. Piano Man,
I know I forced you to make a Tumblr way back when. I also know that you made it strictly because of me, and as a result, hardly used it once we went our separate ways. So the chances of you reading this are pretty slim. I think that’s for the best overall, but please know, I have absolutely no negative intent with what I’m about to say.
You are just amazing. And I am so thankful for you. Although your sudden nonchalance did hurt me in the past, it really helped me along the road to becoming a stronger young woman that I am becoming, and hope to be. When our bond was practically ripped to pieces, I never would have thought that you would be the one to help me see the light in a new time of darkness. Maybe it’s because my expectations this time around were slightly influenced by you. I try to think that every experience should be unique, but you never really actually forget your first “love”. I was spoiled by you; your charming ways will probably never be truly matched in my mind, by anyone. Although some aspects may come close (or seem that way) you were always the first. And even though distance may have split us apart, and our busy agendas keep us from communicating often, I am speechless and endlessly grateful for you, and your presence in my life. You saved me from falling into a pit of self-loathing. No matter what harmful words the burns of separation may have coaxed out of me, I truly wish you the best always.
A Christmas [Eve] Reflection
This is something I’ve needed to do for a very long time. Just reflect on life, and what has been happening. I think that all feelings that I’ve been having are beginning to get backed up, and it’s having detrimental effects on my well-being. Given the fact that it is Christmas Eve, (even if it does not feel like it) I am going to try and get all the muck out of my thoughts, and hopefully get on the road to moving on.
In short, it has been a hell of a year. I don’t know whether to go by the school-year or the calendar-year, but hellish applies to both. Surprisingly enough, the academic side of everything is going better than expected. Because I chose less rigorous courses, it’s obviously much easier to maintain a better GPA. AP Lang is still giving me trouble, as expected, but I’m hoping to still pull away with an A in that class. Taking AP World over the summer has given me an open period to do homework, or whatever I want really. It’s nice in a sense, and lightens my homework load dramatically, but part of me still wishes I could have taken history in class. I haven’t done so since 8th grade, and a sick part of me does miss it. I’m debating whether to take APUSH over the summer or in class. Do I want to suffer the pain of DBQ’s, in-class essays, the AP test, etc? My Mother and the sensible side of me says no, but I have never been one to listen. There’s just something about suffering through a tough class with your colleagues that is an irreplaceable experience. Though it is a toss-up between camaraderie and sleep/sanity/college credit. We’ll see what happens.
Band is band. That’s what I always say anyway. It’s the most true love/hate relationship I’ve ever been in. Whether I like it or not, there’s something about music that always draws me back. Ever since I tried to escape in the 7th grade. Nope. Always get pulled back into it somehow. It is probably for the best, as I have met countless remarkable people in my years involved in music. This year, when I joined the Trombone section, it felt more like a family in the first few days of Band Camp than it ever did last year. Even so, I don’t regret last year. It was a character-building experience to say the very least. Part of me still wishes that I would have left Percussion with less bitterness, so I could have attempted to maintain any scraps of the slight-friendships that I made last year. Oh well. It wasn’t a healthy experience for me personally. Still, I always wish them the best and admire their talents, albeit secretly.
There were times this year where I felt like a stranger in my own section, but looking back on it, I realize how naive I really was. There are so many amazing people who have seen me for what I’m worth all season long. It must have just been the stress of another situation that clouded my perspective. To my lovely section: (though I doubt you will read this) if I ever came off as rude, unappreciative, or just plain bitter, I apologize. Thank you for all the laughs, and a better first marching season than I could have ever asked for.
What has caused me the most self-doubt in the past few weeks is a certain situation with a guy whom I will not name. To put it into simple terms, I liked him. A school-girl crush at its most potent. I’d see him every day and blush, much to the amusement of others who knew. (which thanks to the way gossip spreads in my section, was pretty much everyone) I found him amusing, remarkable and different; qualities I love in a person. We talked, usually for hours at a time, and I found myself hoping that something more would work out. Just as it did last time. It didn’t. And though my confession resulted in a sour start to my Winter Recess, I don’t regret it one bit. It’s a painful, but necessary, lesson that I had to experience sooner or later. Life doesn’t always work out like you want it to. Of course I was sad at first, but my friends’ seeming lack of support made something very clear in my mind: I need to learn to love myself. Because in the bitter end, that’s all I really have.
My friend told me that the one I liked has the intentions of finding a girl, falling in love, dating her, and eventually marrying her. How sweet, right? It really got me thinking. Teenagers and young people in general use the terms ”dating” and “love” way too lightly. I’m not saying that it’s practical to plan your next relationship to marriage, but that it is not at all selfish to be “picky” when it comes to the concept love. To the one whose vision is crooked, but perspective is profound: you’ve broken my heart, but have taught me important lessons along the way.
There’s much more I want to add to this, but maybe at another time. The point of this entry is to mark a new beginning, as I see no reason to wallow in my own self-pity any longer.
to love again
For once, one of my most pestering friends was correct when he told me I use the words “love” and “hate” far too loosely. “Oh ____? I love him.”or “I hate her she’s so mean”. These past few days, I’ve been struggling with the beginnings of affection. I find it problematic that there are issues even before anything really serious has happened. (as serious as petty high school “relationships” can get anyway) It’s your typical schoolgirl crush really. Blushing, late night conversations, after school walks, all that good stuff. But in my life, these kinds of things can never work out smoothly. One of my best friends likes the same guy. She claims that it’s “no big deal”, but I find that every time she repeats it, it gets harder and harder to believe. “No big deal”, she says as she talks to him online incessantly, and even goes to the point of searching the state he moved from on Wikepedia. Some of my other friends are encouraging caution, as this silly little fling could result in damage to otherwise lasting friendships. They may be right. This has been marinating in my head for weeks. Is it really worth it? To waste my time and emotional sanity on someone who doesn’t even care for affection? Recently I have been thinking otherwise. The keyword being thinking. I say I’m going to stop wasting my time, only to see him at school again, turn bright red, and start the cycle all over again. Is it really worth it? Maybe.
a chilly end
Yesterday. A day of victories ended with a sad loss, a lacking last show, and a disappointing departure. Oddly enough, part of me feels as though it was for the best. Now, all I have to worry about is getting my mind off of (him) it. Shouldn’t be too hard. At times it feels like my only true friend is food. Thankfully I know better. I hope.